Dec 6, 2012

Posted by in GTFO

10 Ways to Use a Swiss Army Knife

10 Ways to Use a Swiss Army Knife

The only thing I have ever used my Swiss Army knife for is to open bottles of alcohol. Occasionally I get crazy and slice fruitwhile on the trail and one time I did use the tweezers to remove cactus spines from my hands and face. And by “I,” I mean my mom because I was five and I hugged a cactus. Whatever, no big deal. Happens all the time. Not the point of the story.

The point is that I have reached a new stage in my life. A stage where I am going to be brave, bold, and explore the full potential of life with a multi-purpose tool. And while you are probably thinking to yourself that you don’t want to take advice from someone who once thought it was a good idea to hug a cactus, you should read anyway because even if you don’t get something useful out of it, I might accidentally stab myself in the eye with a corkscrew and I don’t care who you are, that’s funny.

1. Skin a Deer
No shit. I saw someone do it on YouTube. I haven’t actually done it because I saw Bambi when I was five and it scarred me for life, BUT I have mad respect for someone who can skin a deer with a pocket knife. I can barely cut an apple. People who skin deer with pocket knives, we salute you.

2. Open a Bottle of Wine
This is probably the number one reason I never leave home without a pocket knife. People who save the day by being the only person with a bottle opener, we also salute you.

3. Open a Bottle of Beer
See above reasoning. I’m not an alcoholic. I just…you know what, nevermind.

4. Gut a Fish
Once, during a kayaking trip in Alaska, a fisherman threw us a fish from his day’s catch. Kind soul. After three weeks of dehydrated peas I was so desperate for real food, I would have kicked a bear in the face just to get a fish. We* cleaned it with a pocket knife and grilled it on a slab of rock over an open flame. Made me feel like a real man. Not literally.

*I watched, but they used my knife so it was still a team effort. (By “watching” I mean that I sat nearby and picked all of the m&m’s out of the trail mix while everyone was distracted by the fish. The next day I blamed the marmots. But it was definitely my knife.)

5. Stab Mosquitoes
That will show those bastards. And for those of you who think mosquitos aren’t big enough to stab, you’re probably right, but that’s not going to stop me.

6. Sharpen Sticks
Useful for spear fishing, making arrows, and roasting marshmallows. I’ve only ever used a sharp stick to roast marshmallows, but I’m sure I could spear a fish if it was really slow and/or already dead.

7. Remove Cactus Spines From Your Face
In case you accidentally fall into a cactus or are in the company of an idiot who loves nature so much she feels the need to hug one (guilty).

8. Cut Your Arm Off
Too soon?*

*I have an enormous amount of respect for what Aron Ralston has been through (and not just because he cut off his own arm). I also have an irreverent sense of humor. It gets me into trouble.

9. Put Together Ikea Furniture
Oh, right. Like I’m the only one who loses those little tools they give you.

10. Cut Moleskin to Fit a Blister
Just kidding. Real men don’t get blisters. Incidentally, toe socks are amazing for preventing blisters. And they look cool too. Just like Crocs.