How to Poop in the Woods
Sometimes terrible things happen in the woods. Terrible smelly things that are full of anger and moodiness and mustardy defiance, and sometimes, they occur right alongside a trail or in a fine place to set up camp. They may be referred to as “landmines” or “Dukes.” But just because you’re up a creek without a crapper doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to release your intestinal rage onto the wilderness with reckless abandon. There are guidelines to follow; rules to consider; options, even.
According to Leave No Trace outdoor ethics, the cathole is “the most widely accepted method of waste disposal.” Catholes are so quick and easy, that even in times of great urgency, of imminent catastrophe, you’ll likely have the time to make one before
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it’s too late. So as to not let your feces float atop a serene lake or glide casually down a pleasant stream,
make sure you scout out a proper location. It needs to be at least 200 feet from your camp, trails, and any water sources. It should also be in a location where other campers are
not likely to tread. Simply dig a hole (you can a use a garden trowel, a rock, your hands, whatever) in the soil between six and eight-inches deep and four-to-six-inches wide, and you’re done. This is your beloved wilderness loo. When you’re finished up, fill in the hole with the original dirt and disguise the area with native materials.
A latrine is essentially a cathole on ‘roids. Following the same location guidelines, you can dig a latrine to accommodate either a large group of campers, or for the times when you camp in one area for a longer period of time. Since latrines yield a higher concentration of the number twos, make sure that after each use you throw in a handful of dirt to help control the stench. Do not wait for your latrine to overflow before you do
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something about it, because by that time everything will be all shitty, you know? Several inches before the feces meats the brim, fill your latrine in with dirt and disguise it with twigs and stuff.
Toilet paper options abound and “natural
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toilet paper” can certainly be used to great effect. This includes rocks, snow, various flora, but please, please educate yourself on the native plants before you scrub. Poison Oak, Stinging Nettle, Poison Ivy, these are not the materials for providing comfort. If you bring your own toilet paper, either pack it out in a zip-lock bag or bury it completely. People hate “bunny ears” and “white flags.” And whatever you do,
no matter how tempting, refrain from using an unsuspecting and blubbery marmot incapable of escape as an ass-wipe. Absorbent though its hide may be, the act is frowned upon in certain circles, and there’s the whole karma thing to consider, too.