Dec 17, 2012

Posted by in Front Page, Snow!

Scooping a Ski Bunny: How to Pick Up Women in a Resort Town

Scooping a Ski Bunny: How to Pick Up Women in a Resort Town
Whether you searching for the love of your life or someone to help work off this afternoon’s nacho plate, the reality is that unless you are either extremely religious or a tree, everybody needs to get laid.  I reminisce fondly of my days in college, living in a co-ed dorm, where hooking up was easier than getting to class on time.
And then I moved to a ski town.
I was content at first; riding powder to my heart’s delight and having the time of my life.  But then I’d go out with my friends for a night of beer drinking and loud music, only to notice time and again that we were surrounded by nothing but dudes.  Then the realization hit me like giant barrel of Vaseline – Ski resorts are a giant sausage party.  All of a sudden I had to do things like shave, buy girls drinks, take them out on dates, remember their names…. just for a smidgen of hope that I might be the guy standing next to her when she’s ready to go home and get some.  And the times when I did get lucky I had to learn the hard way that in a ski resort, she’s not your girlfriend… she’s just your turn.
Luckily, I’ve waded through the trenches of loneliness and come out to the other side to realize that, although the odds are stacked strongly against us, there are quite a few females to be found in and around the resort.  Each falls into a certain category or class, each requiring a certain strategy to make them pick you over the 800 other men attempting the exact same thing.  As a gift to all my ski town newcomer brethren, I will share the knowledge that I learned the hard way to make your going-out experience a little more… satisfying.  You’re welcome, gents. Here is a brief overview of the females you will encounter, and how to succeed in winning them over.

The Cougar
Often wealthy, this older woman is usually looking for one thing – A young guy who is the exact opposite of their ex (or current) husband.  This is probably your best bet for the least amount of effort and money.  You’ll find her with a martini in hand and way too much makeup and perfume.  If she makes eye contact, you are in.  Just approach her and complement her jewelry, and mention her resemblance to either Demi Moore, Jennifer Aniston, or Julianne Moore, depending on hair color.  She’ll take you back to her suite and show you the mechanics of the jacuzzi.  You have one objective, and that is to last longer than her.  If you succeed, it’ll be free room service for the rest of her stay.
  • The Lonely Bridesmaid
    Ski resorts are a popular choice for bachelorette party. The combination of booze, spas, and the aforementioned ratio make this the perfect getaway for a group of girls to doll themselves up and tempt the bride.  But while the bride frolicks about wearing a giant penis hat and loving every second of the attention, there is usually at least one of her friends who is jealous and bitter at the fact that it’s not her  getting the attention.  The good news is that you can win her over simply by saying how much prettier she is than the bride.  The bad news is that separating a hen from the henhouse can be harder than pulling Kirstie Alley away from the buffet table.  This is where alcohol plays an important factor.  However, if she’s drunk enough to ditch her friends, she’ll probably be throwing up on you well before showtime.
The Bored Daughter
Ski resorts are an ideal place for a family vacation.  But after a day or two, the novelty has severely worn off for a certain female.  These are usually the ones whose father is trying to relive the good old days before he had kids, and could really care less about spending time with his family.  Luckily for you, his daughter is on break from university, hates the snow, and wishes she was on a beach where she could show off her pilates-sculpted figure and fake-baked sheen.  She’s stoked to get out of the hotel and meet someone local, anyone to keep her mind off the fact that she’s stuck with her family for the week.  RULE #1: CHECK HER ID.  Don’t trust how old she says she is.  One of those books they keep at the bar to check if an ID is fake is a worthwhile investment if you are pursuing this type of prospect.  If everything checks out, offer to take her somewhere that her father would not approve. This is your chance to be the bad boy.

The Party Girl
She couldn’t care less how much it snowed last night.  In fact, she’s probably still awake from last night.  These types of girls may seem like a shoe-in for a good time.  Chances are, you will definitely have a good time, but it will come at a price:  your financial and physical health.  If you pick one of these girls up, you probably didn’t have to try too hard.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is that you will have to try extremely hard for any chance of maintaining a relationship.  While you are outside in the snow all day pursuing your passion, she is sleeping off her hangover.  That means she’s ready for another all-nighter when all you want to do is rest up.  But seeing as us men are very weak when it comes to the feminine lure, you’ll probably try to keep up with her for the hopes of ending the night in her bed.  Problem is, while your night might end after Jay Leno, her night ends well after the sun comes up.   Then comes the choice you’ll inevitably have to make – the party girl or the mountain.  While the party girl can be a shoo-in for a good time, you must remember the age old adage of “easy come, easy go”.

The Pro Ho
These girls are looking for one thing – to sleep with a guy who appears in magazines.  This may seem discouraging, but I’ll let you in on an often-overlooked fact:  In these magazines, you can’t tell what the hell the guy in the magazine looks like.  He’s usually too far away in the shot because he’s getting massive air, not to mention he’s fully decked out in outerwear and goggles.  For this approach, a good wingman is essential.  You both need to know your roles – the wingman is the friendly opener, lofting up the “oh by the way do you know my friend (Drop pro’s name here)?”. Your job is to make sure that you know who “your” sponsors are, and you sure as hell better hope that the real “you” doesn’t have any of his friends within earshot of your wingman.
So hopefully these tips will result in a successful pursuit of the fairer sex.  Please note that I do not take any responsibility for slaps or drinks in the face, STD’s, or a little surprise in roughly 9 months’ time.  Have fun, stay safe, and learn not to care, in no time you’ll be the man of the hour. OK, maybe half an hour.