Feb 4, 2013

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The Message Your Moustache is Sending to Women

The Message Your Moustache is Sending to Women

Over the years, the world has been unable to make up it’s mind about the moustache — is it a classy fashion statement, or the mark of a savage beast? And while the American public is in the midst of a moustache revival of sorts, it should be noted that the wearer’s self-image may strongly differ from the message his whisker arrangement is sending to those around him, particularly the females in the audience. Because when you sport a moustache, you always have an audience.


1The Barely

Description: Moustache-shaped stubble (typically three or four days’ worth), often accompanied by equally indefinite goatee growth. Made popular by Acura drivers and out-of-work actors.
The Statement: See this plain black T-shirt? Only cost me $80! Banana Republic, byaaaatch!

The Celtic

Description: Bushy growth squared at the cheeklines; if the wearer is not naturally blonde, the moustache may be dyed to reach the proper effect. Made popular by the ‘Bird Man’ himself.
The Statement: Correction… used to have a coke problem.

The Combo

Description: The moustache is connected to bushy sideburns, forming an inverted heart shape, while the chin is left conspicuously cleanshaven. Made popular by Chester A. Arthur and many other elected officials of the late 19th century.
The Statement: It’s cool, I don’t mind if you keep your eyes closed.

The Fu Manchu

Description: Wispy, symmetrical whiskers that may extend to the mid-abdomen. Made popular by Confucious, as well as the dude from Kill Bill.
The Statement: I don’t know Kung Fu, but I am a skilled magician.

2The Handlebar

Description: Bushy upper-lip growth accompanied by upturned ends; wax or other substances may be used to create a ‘pointed’ effect. Made popular by fictional detectives and European aristocrats of the early 20th century, and recently revived by hipsters everywhere.
The Statement: Sure, it’s a moustache, but clearly I put far too much time into my appearance to be considered ‘manly’.

The Horseshoe

Description: Similar to a Fu Manchu, but thicker and usually not grown beyond the jawline. Made popular by Hulk Hogan and the cast of Sons of Anarchy.
The Statement: My motorcycle dictates everything about my physical appearance. Same goes for the missus.

3The Magnum

Description: Neat and bushy, with trimmed edges and a commanding presence. Made popular by Tom Selleck, and worn by countless men (gay and straight) since the early 80’s.
The Statement: If it’s good enough for Tiffany Hendricks (Homecoming Queen, Class of ’84), then it’s good enough for you.

The Pencil

Description: Thin growth along the lip-line, cleanshaven everywhere else. Made popular by Prince, John Waters, and a slew of other questionable role models.
The Statement: Do you have access to an online criminal database? No? In that case, I’m [state actual name].

The Toothbrush

Description: Thick growth confined to the innermost patches of skin between the nose and upper-lip. Made famous by Charlie Chaplin, and then made infamous (and virtually unwearable) by Adolf Hitler.
The Statement: I have no interest in marriage, socializing, or long-term employment.

The Walrus

Description: Thick growth that extends beyond the upper-lip and may completely cover the top row of teeth. Made famous by gold prospectors, cowboys and Wilford Brimley.
The Statement: If you have diabetes, you check your blood sugar — and you check it often!

The Zappa

Description: Scrappy, thick growth between the nose and upper-lip, and accompanied by an equally disheveled soul-patch (which may or may not be square-shaped). Made famous by Frank Zappa, hence the name, and worn by numerous musicians of the late 70’s.
The Statement: What do you mean, you’ve never heard of Foghat? Slow riiiiiiide!