Tips for Dirtbags: Food
Adopting dismally low standards is the key to a life of luxury and true contentment. An example: Buddhist monks are known to have to beg the masses for a small, daily donation of rice, but who could argue that Buddhists aren’t clearly the happiest folks on earth? The same is true of dirtbags. All we need is enough nourishment to fuel an assault on a nearby peak or a full day of serious loitering.
In terms of sustenance: agreeable taste, quality, and texture are added bonuses but by no means necessary. The guide to culinary loot will now commence…
You know that cash you’ve been saving for the past three months – that eighty-five cents? Don’t bother wasting it on food. Food can be found for free. Instead, spend it on a 16 oz. can of King
Kobra and then head to the nearest restaurant to score a free meal. If you’re in a place like Yosemite (which you likely are), it’s time to make your way to the Yosemite Lodge. Sneak your way past the DNC employees to where the paying customers consume and then just sit there observing your environment. Enough food gets wasted in places like that to feed a thousand Ethiopias, so take advantage of the bounty for all of those in need. Harassment works well. Pester the restaurant patrons until they give up their remaining meal, or alternatively, intercept them at the trash bins and offer to “take care of that” for them. You’ll never go hungry.
A tactic commonly used by bums and
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urban campers is the trashcan raid. Though we’ve banished our sense of partiality, it’s still best avoiding illness, so head to places where the rich and
the wasteful congregate. The trashcans are emptied frequently and the snobs commonly dump perfectly sanitary and delectable portions of business-meeting nutriment in half-hearted attempts at controlling their otherwise reckless eating habits. The best trashcans for high quality comida will be located in the front of: Whole Foods, New Leaf, Starbucks, and other organic and/or otherwise needlessly expensive grocery outlets. Tip: If they sell Kambucha or Triple Vente Macchiatos, you can find a
meal – guaranteed.
Why should criminals have all the fun? You can’t beat “three square meals and bed” every day. Getting
into prison is easy. All you’ve got to do is commit a sordid crime and anonymously report yourself
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to the feds. Make sure it’s serious though (like murder, or the sale of not only
gateway drugs but also the serious kind that people lose their lives to) so that you get locked up for many, many years, thus enjoying fine, home cooked meals on the taxpayers’ dollar!
Don’t waste another dollar! Start eating other people’s trash now and fuel the granite crag assaults and the Buddha-like bliss you so desire, where hunger pains are meditations away and failed muscles are as common as polar bears in the Amazon.