Tips for Dirtbags: Housing
Some dirtbags own their own vehicles. These vehicles often double as single-room abodes complete with piss pots and transportable kitchens. It’s a life of luxury. Moving from the bedroom to the kitchen, to the bathroom and then out to the driver’s seat is a matter of few steps, or in some
cases, a mere swing of the legs. It hardly requires movement. If you could break society’s dirtbags into subsets or socioeconomic identities, the ones with home-vans would be the “1%” that everyone at Occupy Wall Street is protesting for hording the country’s wealth. Meanwhile, the dregs of the dirtbag society are out there scratching their heads wondering how they’ll get their years-old gear to the crags to find out if it’ll endure another day’s use. So how can those of us who scrape food out from diners’ spoiled forks make it the crags without wheels? Here’s how.
Hitch A Ride
The last time I caught a ride by standing with my thumb out on some trafficked highway, a dude named “Jester” picked me up. He had an 83’ Volvo with a torn in half bumper and a sack of “medicine” on the dash. Know where he was heading? Everywhere, man. And along that everywhere he dropped me off about five minutes from the local crags, all the while entertaining with stories
of corrupt officials and the lives of street kids. He wasn’t a street kid, but he knew about it, he assured. I was only waiting about 15 minutes when Jester had picked me up. Don’t count on this. Hitching means you might be waiting hours, days. Does it matter? You’re just on your way to the crags, not a job, and they’ll still be there whenever you get there.
The Skateboard/Car Lasso
I’d say try this trick with a bike, but unless you can find an old-school Huffy for $10 on Craig’s List, bikes are out of our budgetary reaches. Skateboards
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are cheaper, so find one of those. Next, grab a stretch of rope, tie a lasso knot, run out to the highway screaming “Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhh!” and rope yourself a vehicle and let that thing pull you along atop the skateboard at Top Speed. Tips: Crouch down (to avoid speed-wobble and visibility in the rear view mirror). Wear
clothes (more fun in the nude – certainly – but less fun when the road burn finds your softness). Don’t tie the
rope around you waste; you’ll appreciate having an exit strategy.
Borrow a Large Dog…
And ride it. Dogs these days are so often cramped in small apartments with only five-minute walks a reprieve from mind-numbing boredom and inactivity that they’ll rejoice in an opportunity to get back to their animal roots of movement. Avoid Pomeranians. They’re pathetic creatures that have become so bastardized by idiotic, human-imposed sissifying jeans that they become too confused to move in outdoor environments if not being transported in purses. They’re backs are reportedly weak, too. Instead go for those standard big dog breeds: Bernese Mountain Dogs, Bullmastiffs, Saint Bernards, etc… These
things are all practically horses anyways, just more accessible.
If none of the above options work out, just run.
It’ll make you super tough. Long backcountry hikes will be cakewalks and your overall fitness edge will help you crush in whatever outdoors activity you pursue. Again, time is of no importance. It’s not like you’re scheduled to work. We’re the 99%, after all, broke forever, but
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