Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for the Hardcore Outdoorsmen
Every year, around this time, corporate America inundates every form of media imaginable to remind you that the New Year is coming and that it’s time to get a fresh start: exercising, recycling, and flossing. For the hardcore outdoorsmen, the average New Year’s Resolution is as pointless as a monkey guarding a banana factory. Exercise? You already run 80 miles a week. Recycle? You re-use toilet paper. Flossing? Well, actually you could probably do better with that, but the point is: you’re a hardcore outdoorsmen, you need New Year’s resolutions that are for custom made for you.
Quit Your Job
A regular salary and paid healthcare is only preventing you from spending more time outdoors. Trade out the 9 to 5 for endless days on the High Divide.
There are no words in nature, why waste valuable resources recalling language when you could use that space to memorize more knots.
Find Even More Uses for Your Carabiner
You already use your carabiner for the obvious tasks of: directing rope, clipping water bottles to your pack, holding your keys together, and opening beer bottles, but that’s not enough. You should be able to survive in the wild with nothing more than a carabiner and a dry erase marker.
Those Zamberlan leather boots are only disconnecting you from Mother Earth. It’s time to get reacquainted. And no, Vibram Five Fingers don’t count.
Switch to an Even Older Subaru Station Wagon
Your 2002 Subaru Station Wagon has served you well, but it’s too new. All the windows still roll down and it smells reasonable. Troll Craigslist until you find one that is at least pre-1990, preferably brown.
Read Your GPS Manual
It’s 230 pages of the most dense, unnecessary information imaginable and no one is expected to actually read it, which is exactly why you will.
Throw Away Your GPS
Now that you read your entire GPS manual, you should know how to simply look at satellites and globally position yourself.
Stop Saying Bro, Man, and Dude
This is the lingo of the outdoors underclass. You’re above that. Use a person’s actual name.
Begin Listening Only to Nature Sounds
If it’s not a babbling brook, thunderstorm, tornado recording, or birds singing, it shouldn’t be on your iPod.
Tell Your Parents You Love Them More Often
Chances are, with all these other changes, you will soon die in the wild. When you die, you don’t want to regret letting your folks know how you feel.