Why You Should Destroy Your Car
I am a cyclist living in Los Angeles, a terrible place for engaging in such a “useless activity” (as one L.A. opinion columnist put it). The streets of L.A. create obstacle courses of chaos where bike lanes are one-foot wide pits of glass, bright yellow Hummers and lifted SUVs speed through the streets like great traveling middle fingers, smog hovers above the skyscrapers like the ghosts of vultures hoping for us to be smeared across the pavement so they can pick through our innards. To court LA’s streets via bicycle is to flirt with death. Perhaps that is overdramatic, but the truth is it really does suck. Beyond making for a miserable two-wheeled commute,
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the presence and prominence of automobiles on our streets and in our lives plagues our society like yeast infections
do the loins. The following is why we should consider giving up on cars, as well as some ideas for getting rid
Why to Destroy You Car
Cars kill people (According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), the leading cause of death in the United States for individuals between five and thirty-four years of age is motor
vehicle accidents); cars like to punch your financial progress in the face (National average gas prices are $3.96 per gallon); they support – or are the reason for – the following: the suburbs, road rage, drive-by shootings, traffic, parking, parking lots, parking tickets, traffic tickets, poor posture, oil addiction (the US spends some $60 billion a year on foreign oil), global warming, horns, unnecessary
vulgarity and flips of the bird, car alarms, road kill squirrels, global warming, malls, suburban sprawl, car bombs, car thieves, and Satanism.
How to Destroy Your Car
Effectively killing your car is more difficult than you may think – not to mention dangerous
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– but assuming you have an adventurous spirit and a pure hatred, you’ll have no trouble. One option
is to sail it off a cliff and into the ocean to create an artificial reef for marine life to enjoy. Make sure you siphon all the gas first and then get a couple burly friends to push it downhill and off the edge. You can also get a big stick, a baseball bat or a samurai sword, and then bludgeon it to death. The damage caused by this may be merely cosmetic on
first attempt, so go beyond the windows and tires, pop the hood and attack the engine. You can also set it on fire, turn it into a home for rodents and/or passing vagabonds, take it to a demolition yard, saw off
the top and turn it into a planter, donate it to the Strongman competitions so that muscled heroes can carry it from one point to another and back again. The options are many and the choice is yours.