Dec 25, 2012

Posted by in Front Page, GTFO

Would Santa Survive in the Wild?

Would Santa Survive in the Wild?

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. And it stayed that way, all through the night, because Santa had crashed, prematurely ending his flight. It’s a scenario we’ve all had nightmares about. What if Santa hits a power line? What if he gets drunk on spiked milk? What if the reindeer have seizures? The possibilities are endless and if we assume the worst, we have to think about the future. If Santa had to, could he survive in the wild?

Food is probably Santa’s last concern. Most reports peg him as overweight, often citing his belly as being comparable to a large container filled with preserved fruit. Those extra pounds will give something for his body to munch on if he suddenly lacked an intake of food. Santa would also probably be quite full if he crash landed, having recently consumed cookies and milk from at least a few million households. More importantly, Santa’s sleigh is being driven by what is essentially a few bricks shy of an Oh Boy! Oberto factory. According to the internet, the average reindeer yields about 150 lbs. of meat. With 8 of those big boys to go through, Santa has plenty of calories at his disposal, putting aside all ethical and practical complications that may come from slaughtering the world’s only magical reindeer.

Water could be an issue for Santa. Less than 1% of the earth’s surface is composed of accessible, fresh water for drinking. He’d hope to crash near rivers or lakes if at all possible. Snow would also work, but would require the frustration of melting down drinking water. Then again, a frozen landscape would help him preserve those delicious reindeer.

Santa’s sleigh is an obvious shelter, but how good would it be. According to a professor at the University of Maryland, the sleigh’s payload is estimated at around 321,000 lbs. The average payload of a new Ford F150 is 1,710 lbs. This means the sleigh is approximately as large as 187 pick-up trucks. In other words, it’s quite large. Combined with material from toy sacks and the harness of the reindeer, I’m guessing Santa could rig up one epic sleighhouse.

While it would be horrible for the environment and be unsafe for whatever was cooked on it, Santa could have a long burning toy fire, made up of high grade plastics and other synthetic materials. Added bonus, the inevitably black smoke would be seen for miles, making a search and rescue operation that much easier.

If you were capable of visiting every house on the planet in one night, successfully, for hundreds of years, chances are you know your way around. Then again, who’s to say that Santa doesn’t use a highly advanced GPS unit that could have been damaged in the crash? Or perhaps he relies on the reindeer, now a pile of steaks, to lead him around. If it’s not in Santa’s noggin or by the stars, the big guy could be screwed.