New Zealand, Pee, and Sheep Riding

I end up in a lot of bizarre situations while backpacking, which make for epic and terrifically horrible stories. 

I was a writer for multiple hiking pages, and was encouraged by many (one person and my mom) to sequester my trip reports and ramblings in one place. Works for me, I’m lazy, and this saves me time so I can spend more hours starring in the mirror trying to find zits to pop, or even better, laying in bed at night on my phone researching cancers I must be plagued by, because I found some new tiny mole on my finger. 

Tomorrow I leave for New Zealand to backpack 272+ miles in 12.5 days on the Te Araroa Trail. 

By myself. 

I feel like an excited nervous poodle, I just wanna throw up and eat it. Then pee all over the floor in a panic because I hate flying. I once got a prescription for Xanax to make peace with the mechanical birds. This plan failed when I convinced myself that once I was on pills and the plane crashed, I wouldn’t be able to save myself because I’d be too high thinking about more important things, like what the color blue tasted like. I’d be a squirrel in a wool sock if we went down. Plus if I did crawl out of the crushed metal cloud vehicle in my Xanax state, I would be left to survive floating in the ocean on a door for days. Eating only seaweed. 
The pubic hair of the sea. 

Needless to say, I’m leaving the Xanax in my underwear drawer. 
Whiskey tastes better anyway. 

I am fucking thrilled about the forest playground New Zealand has to offer. All the pictures I am googling over leave me with eye boners. Which are painful, but I find if I cry a little it relieves the pressure. 

I will start at Pelorus Bridge, near Nelson on the Southern Island. I’ll tramp through the bush South, (New Zealand for hike South) over one hundred water crossings. The trail weaves through high mountains, and dirt roads littered with sheep and hopefully people who pity me and give me free beer. And maybe a sheep.

I’d rather ride a sheep back to the airport than hitch hike, and my blog would get a lot more views if it were called, “The Sheep Rider”! 

This blog is already terrible decision.

For the first time, I am packing ultralight, to include not bringing a stove. This means I will be cold soaking all my dehydrated food, shoveling cold mush down my throat the entire trip. It’ll be like being momma birded my food…but the momma bird is cold and dead. I figure I’m always so fucking hungry while I’m hiking you could feed me kitty litter and I would open wide, stoked for the almond roca chunks hidden in the box. 
So cold slop shouldn’t be too bad. 

I mean it’s not King Tritan’s salty ocean ball hair.   

I will post on here as often as I am able to, at least once a week, starting off with my New Zealand tales and adding in short stories from all over.


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If I don’t reply, it’s because there isn’t any service from my door in the middle of the ocean. 


– A. Monda 
A.K.A Grownasswoman 

6 Replies to “New Zealand, Pee, and Sheep Riding”

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  2. Fantastic blog! Do you have any helpful hints for aspiring writers? I’m hoping to start my own site soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you advise starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many options out there that I’m completely overwhelmed .. Any suggestions? Many thanks!

    1. Hello! I’m just getting started as well, I used siteground.com to buy my domain, then used word press to build the website!

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